Since it has been so long since I wrote here, here are a few mini-gripes to tide you over till I get started again.

Scented Candles
A big gipe of mine is candles. The aroma is the best part, but getting the candle is a hassle coupled with a burden. For instance you spend about 10 minutes looking for matches or whatever. (I always find matches, but only after I need them.) Then you gotta go thru the trouble of lighting it. And then 75% of the time the damn wick is buried in wax, so you gotta put out the match you just lit so you can dig the wick out. And then after you made a mess with the candle wax and you are ready to light the candle you can't find your matches again. And then it takes about 15-20 minutes to let the fragrance really get to all points in the room. It sucks I tell ya!!! Besides by then I am usually asleep.

Baths, of the jet variety
Baths are wastes of time. My bathroom has one of those tubs with the damn whirlpool jet things in there. I tell ya. I loved that thing when i first started my job. But soon after I realized how worthless the shit was. I mean think about it. You get in, thinking "the jets will calm my aching muscles." So, you fill the tub up halfway, so it reaches the sensor so you can turn the shits on, dump in some soap bubbles, get in and turn the jets on. Only they don't turn on right away. You end up sitting in the damn tub with the jets struggling to turn on while you are surrounded by half-dissolved soap for about 10 minutes, while the bath water turns from hot to lukewarm to downright chilly, then the jets finally kick on. So you sit back and enjoy the cold water swirling around your body, and you are almost asleep when the jets turn off by themselves. So then you lift up your appendages, notice that they are wrinkled, and feel like you shouldn't get out until you do the real bath part. By then the water is freezing, and probably ain't that clean, so you drain the water and take a shower. Except it's a cold one because you used up all the hot water on that pithy excuse for a whirlpool bath. So after you finish up with what you will be doing in 8 hours anyway, you climb into bed and realize: "I'm more tired and stressed than before I got into the bath. What a bitch!" That is why baths suck, and why guys won't deal with that bullshit.

Lifetime: Television for the Easily Depressed
What is with this channel?? Is “television for women” really nothing but game shows, beauty tips from Hollywood semi-celebs and their twice-daily “I Survived A Harrowing Disaster/Crisis That In Real-Life Probability Will Not Happen To Me Or My Friends For Another 75 Years” movie? If that is the case, then there should be a men’s channel devoted exclusively to acts of a sexual nature….. oh wait, that’s the Spice Channel. Back to the original thought, yes game shows are fun, Hollywood semi-celebs are good for riotous laughter at their expense, and the occasional phoenix-from-the-ashes human interest story is uplifting, in a depressing way. Just throw in something else too. By the way, when they do an “Intimate Portrait” of Marla Maples or Darva Conger then you know it is time to shut the beast down. Of course, the alternative is Oprah’s Oxygen channel which I hear is nothing but book-club picks and replays of that nice piece of shit “Beloved.” Ugh….

That chick on the automated phone service
Ugh. Of all the voices I have heard in this long and storied life of mine, the voice of the lady on almost every automated phone service in the country is probably the most singularly annoying, obnoxious, potentially rude, condescending voice ever. Ugh, again. Seriously. She talks to me like I am a third grader, when I have clearly already started fifth. She spells out the most mundane detail of what you are supposed to do, like how to bend your finger, how to play “Happy Birthday” on your TouchTones, or wipe your ass. Okay, maybe the last one was from my mommy last week. Anyhoo…. And also don’t EVER let the line go dead when you are talking to her, because this will happen:

Stupid-ass voice mail chick: “Are you still there?”
Me: “No, I hung up on your ass long ago, you unintelligent wench.”

And she doesn’t go away if you just hang up, either, because if you pick up the phone in a few seconds you will hear her nasal, arrogant “Are you still there?” “Donde esta?” You have to go through the ceremony of pressing the * button several times before you can hear her delightfully condescending “Goodbye.”

What, are you still here?

The WWF, ECW and any other stupid-ass wrestling league
What the hell is the deal here? These damn things are cropping up all over wherever trailer parks can be found. WCW, nWo, ECW, ABCDEFG, when does it end? Not only that but they are saturating TV on TNT, USA, UPN, and TNN. And all those pay-per-view things!!! Honestly, you have to wonder what kind of sick demented person will, twice a month, plunk down $29.95 or more to watch grown men pretend that they are beating each other up. And then you have wrestling-related licensed merchandise at every grocery store, gift shop or local Wal-Mart than you can possibly ever need, or desire. Hats, shirts, dolls, rifles, cyanide capsules, they’re all there. While we’re talking about that, what the hell is all this “Austin 3:16” shit about? Who cares? This is a guy who sat out a year because he broke his finger or some petty excuse like that. Oh, boo hoo, Mr. Big Wrestling Man, did you bweak your pwecious wittle pinky? And this kid is supposed to be the tough guy in the league, who has people bash his head in with 20-pound crowbars and such. Here’s a little advice to all professional wrestlers, and the “fans” sitting on their taxpayer subsidized couches: Take off your poop-stained tights and your little champ-eenship belt there, and go find a real job, like being official tester of imported butt-plugs. Thank you and goodnight.

Labels: GOTW