I was shopping at the Sam Goody back in April where, when I checked out the clerk who reeked of Designer Impostors and had approximately 47 piercings on her lip offered me a free 2 month trial subscription to "Entertainment Weekly". Free being the operative word, i blindingly accepted, not knowing that I would be exposed to the most worthless, insignificant piece of reporting ever: the "Shaw Report" by Jessica Shaw. I thought to myself: "Well since she obviously thought a lot about the name of her piece it must be provoccative and insightful." Oh, how sadly mistaken I was. Here is the piece of crap that greeted me:



Can someone please explain this crap to me? I mean, is she paid for this? This has gotta be the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is sit at your desk downloading porn videos and playing Tetris until the editor comes around at deadline time and you say "Oh shit!... What's 'out'? Um, Tiki torches!!" And boom, there's your week's bread and butter. Plus, what is the statistical basis for this info? I personally think it's based off the "just cuz" factor. And it deals with the most superficial crap ever. The cold borscht thing is not the only thing. In EW#606 she refers to "having a gay best friend" as "five minutes ago". Gee, I forgot that friends were only accesories to aid in getting recognition. (And for those who don't know what gazpacho is, it's about 10 cans of tomato soup served cold in a big bowl.) I hope someday I can find a job as cushy as this. However, it means that I would probably have to submit myself to the humiliation of writing for an entertainment magazine.

Many of you, if not already driven to gun-toting mayhem, are asking: "So what the hell is the point, smart guy? And why is Gwyneth Paltrow considered talented?" Well, question #2 cannot be answered by logical means, so I am gonna stick with the first one. The point it, the "Shaw Report" is mindless drivel, and could be compiled by monkeys instead of a highly-paid Brown Institute dropout. And to prove it to you, I present......

THE STEMME REPORT		by Ehren Stemme
IN	FIVE MINUTES AGO	OUT
Personal digital assistants	Casio calculator watches	At-A-Glance™ daily planners
Anna Kournikova	Tyra Banks	Cindy Crawford
Roger Clemens	Nolan Ryan	Fernando Valenzuela
Old Navy	Anything "Jnco"	Starter jackets
Tom Green	Pauly Shore	Allan Sherman
Star-Tribune	Pioneer Press	Wall Street Journal
Five for Fighting	Duncan Sheik	The Verve Pipe
Me	You	The guy with the spoon in his nose
SpongeBob SquarePants	Rugrats	The Smurfs
Britney Spears	Mariah Carey	Tina Turner
"Road Trip"	"Half Baked"	"Fast Times..."
KQRS	Cities 97	KDWB

Labels: GOTW

What's the deal with batteries? Wait, I already wrote about that once. Sorry! My frustration today is my desk, The frustration is that it's always cluttered with shit. (Here and here are 2 lo-res pictures so you can see what I'm talking about.) I know what you're thinking, I have no one to blame but myself. OK, ass, it's time to shut up now and listen to me. I have a theory, and it is as follows: desks suck. Ha ha, no. Actually my theory is based on the assumption that I have a lot of free time, and about 97% of said time is spent in front of my computer. In actuality, my free time is spent sleeping, watching my Dreamcast likeness best Mark McGwire in a home-run race and firing up the ol' home theater. Of course, after my vacation ends and I get transferred to Siberia.... I mean the Woodbury Audio King, my free-time ratio shoul increase exponentially after which I could actually do laundry myself and other things that "normal" people do. I also hear that there is really a spheric orange dealy in the sky which I believe is called the "sun." I had previously only seen the "sun" on television and in movies, and imagine my surprise when I heard from a co-worker that it actually exists!! Apparently it is very elusive, and changes its appearance hours constantly, much like TNT's broadcast schedule, but can usually be seen betweel 7:00 am and 8:00 pm. I also heard that in the summer, the sun comes out at 5 am or so, and doesn't go away till 10 that night. One word: woooowwwwwwwww........... I am very anxious to see this object and all the "heat" and "light" it supposedly provides. I mean, this is straight out of Isaac Asimov, what's next, nuclear power or electric locomotives? Personally, I believe the steam trains will by far be the most popular, after all who has heard of "electricity"? That's crazy talk, almost like "drive-thru". Drive through what? A wall? That doesn't make sense, that would just hurt your car. Speaking of cars, what the hell is the four-wheels gig all about? Be economical and only use 3. You would, though, have to narrow out the front of your car or put little sticks on either side to keep it from tipping over.

Wow, that took a weird turn. Well, I will leave it as is as it is a good example of why one should get 8 hours of sleep a night. Stay tuned for next week where I insult a magazine feature.

Labels: GOTW

PalmPilots suck. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen! (This is where the Benny Hill theme would play if this was radio or TV.)

Okay, that's not my rant for this week. Instead, I will be bitching about how some TV shows are played entirely too much. Anyone who has watched FX in the past 2 years will agree, "Beverly Hills 90210" is one of the biggest offenders. Not only is this pile of monkey shit on 6 times a day on FX, but you may be one of the unfortunate few to catch it in local syndication on your WB or independent OTA channel. For these poor souls (like me) that have this option available, that equals roughly 49 hours per week of super-preppy-teen melodrama that causes more pain than a castration. I hear ya fellas: "90210" SUCKS!! And guess what: "3rd Rock From the Sun" is another one of these shows. This is allegedly a situation comedy, or "sitcom" starring the sniveling pussy John Lithgow and the howlingly unfunny Jane Curtin, who regularly brings me to tears when she tries to crack a joke. Some news for you, Janey: Your career died when you left "SNL." Laraine Newman knew to lay low, you should do the same. And French Stewart is high on the list of peeps who will be receiving a sock in the chops next time he visits the Twin Cities, right behind Andy Dick, Leno and Eminem. Watch out, Ben Stiller, you're next.... Andy Rooney, I got a news flash for ya: No one gives a shit what you think, you narcissistic prick; get off the air you old bastard. And as much as I love the "Blues Brothers" movie, does Ted Turner really need to show it every other day? I mean, the Braves aren't that boring. At least they're not the Expos or the Devil Rays. By the way, Montreal did come out winning the "Interleague Shit Series" 2 games to 1. To the creators of "Friends": Thanks for this show, but I think that death might be more painless. What is David Schwimmer now, 40? And Lisa Kurdow... I have seen better actors on street corners dressed in black-and-white striped shirts. Plus I have conclusive data supporting my statement that the "Rachel Cut" was the #3 reason cited for homicide in the years 1992-1997. And believe it or not, "The Simpsons" is overplayed, in some markets. And the episode selection is poor, due to the fact that the stations themselves decide which ones to air instead of having national syndication feeds. Yes I love the witty, yellow-skinned characters, but is it really necessary to screen 3 episodes a day? Unreal. That is all that comes to mind for right now, so I will quit ranting and go watch "Saved By the Bell" for the 8th time today.

Labels: GOTW

OK. So, for those of you who "surf" the "'net" frequently, you have no doubt run across the proverbial black hole that is the internet chat room. Does anyone else think this shit is pointless? I mean, there are tons of things that really don't make sense. Like, the "unwritten" rules in a chatroom. Like if you are a "newbie" (i.e. someone the existing chatters do not know) you will have trouble finding someone to talk to. Oh, and there's the one about how people of the same sex are not allowed to talk to each other, with the penalty of death. What kind of sense does this shit make? Like you're gay if you talk to someone of similar gender? I mean, it's not like you will be driving in your car and spot two guys talking to each other outside the Guitar Center, roll down your window and shout "Haha!! Youse guys is talkin' to another guy!! GAY!!!" At least not normally. Loosen up people, it's just chat, not a singles bar. And while I think of it, here are 3 constants that hold true throughout chat-land: 1) All the girls are cheerleaders/models, with 34C size breasts or bigger, yet have no picture to prove it; 2) Every single guy is at least 6 feet tall and about 190 pounds, with blonde hair and blue eyes, and start for the football team or "sk8" or play guitar; and 3) no one, even at the tender age of 14 or 15, owns a car that is older than the 1999 model year, unless it is a souped-up charger or GTO that can go from 0 to 60 in less than a second, and supply a poorly scanned picture from "Tradin' Times" to prove it. If you see these statements being made, you might just be a redneck... wait, I mean in a chat room. And then there's thing about girls younger than 14 claiming that they are "hott". Here's some advice for you girls: Shut the hell up!! How can you possibly have a hot body at 14? Now 17, I can understand, but I have witnessed girls as young as 11 making these remarks. That is just plain stupid. Am I wrong? No, didn't think so. Possibly the guy at the corner of the playground wearing the trenchcoat and holding the Bac-Os and Vaseline might think so, but as I stated, 17 is my extreme limit for being hot. And another thing... spell the shit right. There is only one T in "hot". And while we are at it, this shit with the bad grammar has GOT to stop. Here are some language things that piss me off to no end that you will see regularly: laterz; byez; guyz (any word that ends in "s" usually ends up with a "z" instead), kewl, playa, balla, etc. I know you talk like that and sometimes I do too, but START WRITING PROPERLY. Oh, and you fuckers that WrItE LiKe tHiS, you're all dyin'. The first time someone did that, like 8 years ago, someone else with little social importance said "Hey, that's different." And it was cool then. But now everyone does it, it is high time to knock the shit off. And this thing: []D [] []\/[] []D (guh huh, it says "pimp") Next time I see this, I am whippin' some ass. This has been put into effect more times than the number of times Nelly has been played on the radio in the last hour (about 750,000 times more than needed) and it seriously needs to stop. And hey, all you guys that "cyber," you need to shut the hell up and start dropping like flies. No one gives a shit if you are horny and from Illinois. You have to be desperate, poor and sad to resort to this and put hard-working phone-sex operators out of work. So stop being cheap bitches, and get on the horn and pay for it!

Well I hope you all have been fairly warned about these maladies in the internet chatrooms. It most likely won't make your trip any less unpleasant and sickening, but at least you now know what to expect.

Labels: GOTW