Well, I don't know if you heard, but apparently there's this thing called the "internet" on computers nowadays. And one of the hottest things on this "internet" is the so-called "chat room". (Don't look at me. I'm still getting used to my "electricity", "napkin" and "toothbrush".) Also, apparently, one of the cool things to do in a chat room is be a teenager that has had the life-changing experience of meeting a quasi-celebrity. And if you haven't, just like, pretend you have. From personal viewing experience, this accounts for roughly 97.3% of chance celeb-meetings by teenagers. Take this fabricated, yet true to form and function, chat room with a teen bragging about his/her encounter:

PuNkRaWkChIc1986 : WHO LIKES BLINK IN HERE
harddude_42069 : n-e girls in here from ne press 69
bootylicious_bbw : a/s/l check 14/f/IA
linkinparkrulez2004 : Ya KnoW i MeT fRed FrOM LImP aT a cONcErT
kylie_gurl_cleerleader : Hugggggsssssssssssss Julie!!!! MuAh!!!!
FredIsMyHero4Ever : really?.... whats he like
jessie_is_wet_2169 : FREE hardcore TEEN PORN!!!!!!! http://www.wetteensluts.co.uk
cheerslut_julie : HUGGGZZZZZZZZZZ KYLIE ;)
linkinparkrulez2004 : Oh hEs KeWl
hardcore_boardin_stud16 needs a cigarette

Whenever something like this is said, I feel a knife implanted in my chest. Metaphorically, of course. I hope that if I ever become famous, and I meet somebody, they'll come away with more of an impression than "Oh, he's cool." Unless they mean it sarcastically. I mean this is a known fact: meeting a celebrity, or Malcolm-Jamal Warner, while most likely not a a life-changing experience, will at least leave you with something to remember other than a bland overused word to describe their persona. So where does the memory go for these teens? The answer is quite simple: THE SHIT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!! It is as fabricated as that 14-year-old girl who is 5'10" and has the huge rack. Or the guy who owns a Civic CRX with 700 horsepower that tops out at 190 mph which, by the way, he discovered when he was outrunning the cops after he was busted with 40 pounds of weed while banging his sister's cousin's mom's bisexual girlfriend along with his girlfriend and Jessica Alba. Translation for the 2 above scenarios: 1) the girl lives in rural Missouri and listens to a lot of D12 and Faith Hill; 2) this guy is 13 and has seen his 41 gigabyte AVI pirate copy of Gone in 60 Seconds too many times after whacking off to the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen official website. As for the chat scenario, linkinparkrulez2004 is angry at her parents because her friend Sheila has a car and she can't even drive, she listens to the local top-40-rock station when she is depressed (which is pretty much all the time, because as we all know, teenagers have so much to be depressed about) and she has never been to a concert in her life, although she did once watch MTV and they showed a picture of Fred from Limp Bizkit, and he looked cute or "hot". And then she thought that someone might actually give a flying fuck as to whether or not she actually met this fool, or she wanted to make herself feel important, so she made up this absurd, atrocious lie that threatens to unravel the stitching that holds together the fragile fabric of this great society. So with that, I offer these great words of advice to the patrons of the chatrooms out there: log off of your WebTV and either actually leave your trailer for a while, or just turn on the WWF or Springer or whatever it is you kids watch nowadays. As for me, I'm going to regale my friends of the time I met Dave Matthews....

Labels: GOTW

As I sit at my computer and type this, I realize that the calendar has turned for a full six months since my last attempt at posting anything for the Gripe O' the Week/ And for that, I'm truly sorry. Actually I'm not as much sorry as I am indifferent, but since it has been a while, and my computer is working properly again, and Elizabeth's all pissed off, I figured it was high time to "get back at it," as I might say if I were a 40-year-old motivational speaker. So, without further ado, let me present to you...

Gripe O' the Week 2002: What the hell happened to McDonald's?

That's right, you heard me: This venerable fast-food chain, which used to be a benchmark of Americana, is firmly implanted in the shitter. The McDonald's that I remember from my youth had tasty food that, if you ordered a Happy Meal, came in a cardboard box with those highly innovative Golden Arch handles, and included a little bag of Legos or those ridiculous plastic McNuggets with the faces. I also seem to recall the food actually being cooked. A novel idea yes, but it worked surprisingly well. In my opinion, the whole demise of McD's began when they got rid of the McBLT and those Styrofoam containers that they and the other messy sandwiches came in. Remember those? They had that huge controversy over whether they should use them, and then after they tried the Styrofoam recycling gigs that didn't work, they just phased them out. That was the beginning of the end. Then they decided that cardboard sucked too, so they started putting the Happy Meals in PAPER BAGS. What the hell is the fun in a paper bag? None, besides scaring the crap out of the guy with the really loud pacemaker sitting across from you eating his quasi-fish sandwich. I mean those boxes, if you got a Hot Wheels Happy Meal, they had little pop-out sections so you could make ramps and other crazy shit to you know, distract you from eating. Now these bags, they're just a big ad for whatever animated Disney movie is in theatrical release, and they spout useless factoids that are completely inappropriate for the demographic. "Did you know the average yearly rainfall in Zimbabwe is 412 centimeters?" Who gives a shit? Certainly not me, and most definitely not the kid stuffing that half-cooked cheeseburger in his mouth. And speaking of cheeseburgers, when in the hell did they turn into big pieces of shit? The McDonald's cheeseburger used to be a 50-cent work of art, the cheese melted appetizingly across the burger and just the right amount of condiments. Now it seems like no one cares about the finished product: the meat is heated to a lukewarm temperature, a slice of what I assume is dog crap dyed yellow is put on top and ketchup and mustard are carelessly piled on, topped off by soggy flavorless pickles that are best compared to old mushrooms. Since this chain is a multibillion-dollar industry, I'm guessing that there is still a large faction of the population that will fork over the buck and a half (or whatever the hell it is now), pick up this affront to fastfood, and mutter "Sweet" to themselves shortly before cramming the entire thing into their salivating, dumber-than-normal mouths. Not me though. Personally, I like food that is supposed to be hot, hot. And call me crazy, but I also like a low gross-out level on my food. You know, where smelling and/or looking at it won't make you vomit. That's usually a plus. I guess what I'm trying to say is even though McDonald's was never exactly a trendsetter in quality or service or cleanliness, at least they used to be passable. But now they seem to have dug themselves into an inescapable trench of unacceptability, one where the public, being who they are, blindly hand over hundreds of millions of dollars to a corporation that thrives on making eating a meal a substandard activity. And until this travesty is rectified, the rural youth of America will have no choice but to hang out at Taco John's after cruisin' Main Street. And that is a travesty in and of itself.

Labels: GOTW