Guess what! I slacked off for a month again. And to make up for it, here are several mini-gripes:

1) Ticketmaster. Here is big-business scamming and lackey-ism at its best. Now, just for hypothetical purposes, let's assume that brick-and-mortar companies don't serve their customers as well as they would like to. All of a sudden... la-la-la... here comes the internet trudging down the path of geek pseudo-notoriety. Wee Willie McBusinessowner hears about this "internet" in a board meeting surrounded by frappuccinos and quarterly net-profit projections. Suddenly WW McB says "By Jove! This Internet can help us serve our customers better! And where the hell is my secretary with my vodka?" I believe the board meeting in Ticketmaster's front office went a tad differently. Because it's painfully obvious from their over-the-phone operation that they don't care about the consumer, I think they set out to create the most befuddling, angering and confusing website ever, combined with the order processing's more-notable-than-average pokiness best compared with the decomposition of Michael Jackson's nose. The reason I am so pissed at Ticketmaster is, on March 7th I had a simple mission set for myself: get 2 tickets to the John Mayer show (April 16th). I cruised through the listing for all available venues since 1957 up to June, and lo and behold the Twin Cities show link read "tickets still available". Good, I think to myself as I begin the lengthy process to order 2 tickets. Guess what happened? They couldn't process my order because there weren't enough seats to process my request. Now, with my interest piqued, I tried to place an order for just one seat. Again, unable to process my request. Let's see, no seats available..... that means SOLD OUT, right? Not according to the website. So, with quiet resignation building inside me, I instead ordered 2 seats for the Five for Fighting show 2 nights later. Order went off without a hitch... except they forgot to tell me an important detail: when I was going to get the tickets. So I waited patiently for 5 days, then checked back on the website to see if they had a date for me. Nope, the website said. So I called the hotline and explained my situation to the customer disservice rep on duty, at which point he told me: "If you don't get your tickets in 5-10 days give us a call back." Now notably steamed, I went back to the website to check again. This time I notice they haven't even been printed yet! Of course they had charged my check card already, but nothing on their end to actually tell me the order was going through. So I did what the CSR told me: I waited for 10 more business days. Then I called again. "Well it looks like your card has been charged for the balance," the CSR that was probably officially titled Proclaimer of the Obvious told me, "so if you don't get your tickets 48 hours before the show, call us again." WHAT???? Remember, by this time it's already March 30th. So while I sat fuming away at the dumbasses at Ticketmaster, they finally decided it would be a good idea to process the tickets, run them through the ol' printer and shoot me off an e-mail essentially saying "Your tickets have been printed! Thanks for being ass-raped by Ticketmaster." Semi-relieved that I actually have seats to the show, all I have to do now is sweat out the U.S. mail. And finally, on April 3rd, an envelope with my name on it appeared in my mailbox and as I opened it, I discovered it contained.... anthrax!! Ha ha, no. But it did contain, almost a full month after i ordered and paid for them, my tickets. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, could this be executed quicker next time, since the basic intention of the internet e-business is to be convenient for the consumer? In my mind echoes a resounding "Yes!' while your response probably is a stifling yawn and a double-click to check out MTV Online. In the Ticketmaster boardroom, however, the reaction is a round of high-fives followed by the president of the company exploding aftet opening yet another mailbomb from a disgruntled customer.

2) Recent female highschool graduates that come out to the mall with their 2 or 3 year old kid(s) anywhere from 10:00am to 3:00pm on a weekday to shop at Payless or Spencer's or Mervyn's or god knows where else. I have seven words of advice for you shiftless bitches: close your legs and get a job.

3) The Eagles. Don Henley: "Hey Glenn, I have a killer idea." Glenn Frey: "What's that? Take this big dildo out of my ass?" Henley: "Well that too, but I was thinking that we should fire Don Felder..." Frey: "You mean the only one of us that can actually play a guitar?" Henley: "Yes! Then we record an album and tour. All without Don Felder, the Eagle who has talent." Frey: "You're right! That IS a killer idea!" Henley: "I know, dude! This is exactly the boost I need, since 'Inside Job' only sold 27 copies." Frey: "Me too. The last hit I had was the one I recorded for that Eddie Murphy movie where he was a cop in Beverly Hills..." Henley: "You mean Shrek?"

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